It was a bit unusual for my phone to ring at 8:30pm this Thursday evening - it's not often I get calls much after Sunset. My first twinges of uneasiness began when the caller identified himself as Dr. Scott Newman. He's an ENT whom I'd been referred to by my personal physician, Dr. Darcel Gilbert, several weeks earlier, when I'd had a general check-up, and inquired about a small lump I'd noticed in my throat. Then, as he proceeded to inform me (rather diplomatically if I recall), that recent tests had returned Positive. I must admit though, after about the first sentence or two, I think I just started going numb, and was kind of listening with "deaf" ears. I definately DID NOT want to hear what he was telling me.
His conversation was full of all kinds of words, most of which I'd heard of at one time or other, but ones I'd never wanted to know all that much about. Melenoma, metastacized, chemotherapy, and so forth.
He was also kind enough to ask if I'd like a consultation to discuss things further. Well heck YES, I said. We spoke a bit more, and he explained a couple of probably options as far as treatment was concerned, and actually once we got past the undesireable surgical aspect, the Radiation/Chemo combination didn't seem all that bad. He said three one week treatments over a six week period - that didn't seem to bad. He mentioned a few other things, and the more he went on, the unsettling it became. By then I was really NOT listening!
After the Doctor hung up, I remember a big void kind of opening in my mind, and just kind of not thinking about anything for I don't now how long. What I do recall as being amongst my first lucid thoughts was, "Oh no, this is NOT something I want to have others have to deal with." It's a good thing I can handle it on my own. Yea, Right! The next thing I did was jump on the Internet, to Google "cancer treatments" and etc. Oh boy, big mistake there. Too much information, and very little of it good! Which is how I arrived at "doing nothing" until I see the Doc on Wednesday, Nov. 12th. Which is pretty much what I plan to do.
My main concern now is, "Who am I gonna tell, and How am I going to put it?" Well, that's become more depressing to me than dealing with the diagnosis.
For now, I'll fortify myself with the following Mantra:
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails." William Arthur Ward
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